Category: Thoughts

Painter of Light

According to a series of recently published newspaper stories, Thomas Kinkade, the enormously successful painter, isn’t as nice of a man as his collectors and business associates believed him to be. This normally wouldn’t be much of a revelation except that in Kinkade’s case the artist trades heavily on his “Christian values” and “core beliefs,”...

American Idol Crib Notes

If, unlike me, you don’t have a partner who forces you to watch the Fox karaoke competition “American Idol,” you may be living in a state of blissful ignorance, utterly unaware of what’s happening on America’s most-watched television program. You may not know that after weeks of schmaltzy build-up the shrinking talent pool questing to...

On Not Getting Old

Last night I saw my friend Linda Hopkins, the legendary blues singer, whose star on the Hollywood walk of fame commemorates her lifetime of entertaining on Broadway, record albums, and in concert halls around the world. She looked luminous. Her big smile illuminated the room, a nightclub on the Sunset Strip where once a month...

Moderation in All Things

The goldfinches that inhabit the trees in my back yard are some of the plumpest birds I’ve seen in the wild. Unlike Antarctic emperor penguins, these little creatures aren’t storing up enough belly fat to make it through a winter-long trek across glacial desolation. They live in Hollywood, and they’re just fat. It’s probably my...

Keeping the World Safe with the Patriot Act?

Your elected representatives voted yesterday to renew the so-called Patriot Act, the noxious piece of legislation originally penned in the weeks following the September, 2001 terrorist attacks. The new version, we are assured by our senators, is a vast improvement over the old version, which granted the federal authorities unprecedented powers to seize and imprison...

Poem: What’s Left Unsaid

I don’t think I’m good enough. I do think you’ll leave me. You’re not what I fantasized about when I pleasured myself all those lonely years. You’re the best I can do. We won’t ever be on the cover of a glossy magazine dedicated to the beautiful (and interesting). We will learn to be content...

The Tyranny of Democracy

The latest and most persistent reason given from Washington for America’s entanglement in Iraq is “democracy building.” Our holy mission, which has gone from disarming a brutal tyrant harboring weapons of mass destruction to something intangible and sublime, is meant to liberate Iraqis from themselves. Provided with the cleansing salve of free elections and representative...

Too Beautiful

There once was a young woman so astonishingly beautiful that no one took her seriously. Blessed with fortunate genes, she had a face worthy of magazine covers. Unfortunately — and it was unfortunate in a strange, completely backwards way — she also possessed the figure of a highly coveted centerfold: slender, strong legs; a perfectly...

Judging Athletics

Let us consider the absurdity of judged sports now, before the inevitable scandal sure to arise sometime before the current installment of the Olympic Games have concluded, before nationalist passions and hometown prejudices cloud the discussion, and before headline writers ask “Was She Robbed?” Let cool heads prevail. Diving, gymnastics, and figure skating are athletic...

Poem: A Fresh Coat

When spring arrives, bearing birds and buds upon its shoulders, The chips and cracks of winter announce themselves Starkly Bluntly almost. With no consideration for propriety. The porch cries out for a fresh coat of paint, a new veneer to camouflage the imperfections Lurking beneath. The dog loses his hair, dropping shiny threads where he...