A Modest Proposal to Solve Our Oil Problem

This morning the DJ on the local jazz station delivered a comic lament on the trauma of paying $3 for a gallon of gasoline. He recalled that a few months ago the price had fallen to nearly $2 per gallon, but in recent weeks it had eclipsed the psychologically troubling threshold of three, and he was shaken. He wondered where the escalation might end — and, chuckling, he reckoned he might have to emulate the old Fats Domino song, “I’m Walking.”

That, of course, is a ridiculous notion, especially in Los Angeles, where everything is far away.

And anyway Americans shouldn’t have to walk. That’s what we have cars for. Walking is for Europeans, whose cities were built before the age of progress. The Frenchies and Italians that do drive tootle around in ridiculous little cars the size of the back seat in a Chevy Tahoe. Sure, their miniature vehicles are easy to park and they use about as much gasoline as a motorcycle. But isn’t there something clownish about driving a car that isn’t seven feet tall? Besides, how can you see the road unless you’re higher than everyone else?

The problem is not that we drive cars and trucks that get low gas mileage, or that we drive them too much (as if we have a choice). It’s that the Arabs and commies in Venezuela and Africa charge too much for their oil. Boycotting ExxonMobil for a day is only going to wreck our stock portfolio. The way to solve our oil problem is to teach those OPEC bastards a lesson. I don’t mean to suggest we brazenly colonize Saudi Arabia. That wouldn’t look good, and the rest of the world would hate us even more than they do already.

We’re talking about something subtler and more elegant, like, say, discovering that Iran is planning on annexing Israel in the next few weeks. Well, we can’t stand for that. In fact, the rest of the world would consider us derelict if we didn’t do something about such upsetting news. When we invade Iran — and all the other places that are charging us too much for the oil we need — we’ll make it clear that with America in control of the world’s pipelines, everyone can have gas cheaply, not just people lucky enough to live in the Middle East.

We’ve got the planes and the missiles and the Hummers, so why not use them for something positive? If the greedy oligarchs controlling our oil — OK, their oil, but same difference — don’t want to play fair, we’ll give them a taste of their own medicine. It’s tough to cruise around Jedda in a your armor-plated Mercedes limousine when gas costs five bucks a liter.

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