Originally posted July 29th, 2012
By Michael Konik
Now that the kind and understanding Mullahs of Saudi Arabia, Qatar and Brunei have consented to allow their nation’s second-class citizens to participate, the 2012 Olympic Games are the first ever in which every country’s team includes women.
It’s about time. Some of us have a weird thing for chicks in chadors, especially when they’re shooting air rifles.
The Middle Easterners coming late to the international party have some legitimate concerns. Like marriage, another helpless victim under constant attack from destructive homosexuals, certain helpless institutions must be defended by various legislative Acts. Or athletic bans. Female modesty can’t be adequately protected by swimming suits, leotards, or form-fitting short-shorts.
Seriously. They can’t.
And they shouldn’t be. One of the compelling reasons to watch the Olympics is that most of the athletes, male and female, are beautiful. Their bodies, especially those that have . . . → Read More: Sexy Olympics
Apologies in advance if this gets all Orwellian right quickly. We try hard not to sound like a nut-job or Coast-to-Coast Radio conspiracy fetishist — is that redundant? — especially when examining the lengths some folks will go to control the lives of others, but this stuff is real, man.
Old George – or, Mr. Eric Blair, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing – coined the term “doublespeak” to describe a fictional phenomenon in his novel 1984. But we repeat: this stuff is real, man.
What’s in among the dictatorial set? The new Hot Trend in authoritarianism is controlling the future by not permitting dangerous thoughts about the future.
The urge to purge cuts across demographic categories. The crazy Muslims are just as wacko as the crazy Christians, and it’s not just benighted foreigners doing the oppressing, it’s benighted domestics, too.
Originally posted January 15th, 2012
By Michael Konik
Aside from their protective utility, latex condoms aren’t anyone’s first choice for a sexual accoutrement. Claims to the efficacy of certain “ribbed for her pleasure” varieties notwithstanding, folks use them to prevent pregnancies and transmittable diseases, not because rubbers enhance sex.
Sure, the old putting-it-on-with-your-mouth trick, redolent of European brothels and Asian massage parlors, has its charms, and, yes, condoms come in all sorts of interesting colors (and flavors). Still, those in a relationship that doesn’t require protection (e.g., sterile married couples) would almost never choose to include condoms in their sex life. Compared to “bareback,” condoms are a drag.
The Los Angeles City Council, whose serial acts of legerdemain and thinly concealed larceny could fill many books, has recently given its approval and support to a local ordinance mandating that those who would make adult movies in our city – an impulse which requires a . . . → Read More: Matters of Public Insertion
Originally posted December 19th, 2010
By Michael Konik
Justice has been done! The U.S. Military’s pernicious ongoing discrimination against heterosexuals has been outlawed.
Now it’s all out in the open. Now straight people won’t be the only (majority) group permitted to suffer unimaginable indignities, grievous disfigurement and injuries, and painful death while protecting the business interests of those richer than they. Now straight people won’t be the only victims of propaganda that makes war seem like a really cool video game. With the repeal of the noxious “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, now gays too may be conned into believing they are heroes for sacrificing their lives in overseas police actions that provide security for no one but arms manufacturers, oil producers, and corrupt tribal politicians.
Some of our more courageous Christian brothers and sisters — like the ones brave enough to stand up for God at military funerals, reminding the parents of . . . → Read More: Gays in the Military
Originally posted August 15th, 2010
By Michael Konik
One is required to live. The other is required to create life. Depending on your appetites, one of them is the best part of being alive. Sometimes they complement each other. Sometimes they’re combined. Sometimes they’re kept in discrete compartments. Every day (if we’re fortunate) we experience one or both.
Food and sex are natural constants that allow the organisms of our planet to survive and flourish. But only food, it seems, is an acceptable subject for unbidden declarations of personal ecstacy. How many times has a friend fairly swooned, her mouth agape in an evocative moan and her eyes rolling back in her head, communicating with anyone within earshot the sublime perfection and intense pleasure of the slice of carrot cake she recently ingested? We moan in concert: Oh my god, that sounds so yummy!
Seldom in polite company will you hear that same . . . → Read More: Food and Sex
Originally posted April 3rd, 2010
By Michael Konik
Joe is a human being.
Joe is unsure if he is homoseuxal or heterosexual. But like most human beings, he has urges that involve activities other than procreation.
Rather than figure out who he is or what he likes, Joe decides to sublimate his confusing desires, announcing to the world that he is no longer interested in boys or girls. Instead, he is focusing all his love on a long-dead mystic whose radical ideas changed the world.
Joe’s work brings him in contact with many vulnerable and subservient children.
Joe’s “marriage” to the dead mystic, while spiritually fulfliing, does not address the persistent tingling he feels in his scrotum whenever he’s around vulnerable and subservient children.
Joe attempts to strengthen his marriage, reminding himself how much he loves his physically absent friend, and how much he is loved in return, even though that love does . . . → Read More: A Fun Little Easter Parable
America’s religious leaders, some of the most esteemed and respectable citizens in our republic, are helping us understand that our precious freedoms — the ones our brave soldiers fight and die for in faraway dust bowls most of us can’t find on a map — are once again under attack. This time the perpetrator isn’t a hairy Muslim in pajamas or an angry white guy with an automatic weapon and the phrase “2nd Amendment is…
In a story headlined “Pot’s popularity, state law create trying times for U.S. prosecutor,” a Los Angeles Times reporter named Joe Mozingo attempted a sympathetic profile of a United States attorney who works closely with DEA agents to imprison Americans for possessing or selling cannabis, even when those Americans are…
Remarkable comedic talent in young people is easy to spot. It presents itself insistently and clearly. What the precocious possessor of the talent will do with it — develop it or let it wither — is hard to predict (as demonstrated by our previous comedy New Discoveries). In the case of DC-raised, Los Angeles-based comedian Brandon Wardell, [...]