Expelling Children to Make America Great Again
Although progressive thinkers may have little ideological common ground with President Great, we still admire his best qualities, the better angels of his nature. One beautiful character attribute President Great (and the vast majority of his steadfast supporters) consistently display is deep, profound, passionate love. They’re lovers. President Great and his acolytes love America deeply, they love our flag profoundly, and they love quintessentially American iconography (guns, a heterosexual military) passionately. Our country is lucky to have a leader (and millions of followers) who cares so much about America.
In his ongoing quest to make America great again, to return it to its former greatness — which we all agree was back in [insert year of choice here], when immigrants weren’t wrecking our noble republic — President Great last week announced that he was cancelling the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, the so-called “Dreamers Act,” or DACA. This pernicious destroyer of American greatness, which gave young undocumented immigrants the chance to live, study and work here legally, was implemented in 2012 by the man President Great replaced, a man who President Great spent many years assuring us was not actually born in America. (He now acknowledges, yes, Barack Obama, was in fact born in America; but, whatever.) During his campaign, Mr. Great promised he would crackdown on immigration, and now he’s delivering. That’s real love.
The decision, announced by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, “the Ghandi of Alabama,” a man who radiates love out of every pore of his elfin body, will affect about 750,000 people who were brought to this country (illegally) by their rapist and drug-dealing parents. Here’s how you know they’re hurting real Americans: according to a recent survey, 91% of Dreamers had a job and 45% were enrolled in classes.The U.S. Chamber of Commerce, that famously socialist organization, issued a statement saying that rescinding DACA is “contrary to fundamental American principles and the best interest of our country.” But what the Chamber doesn’t understand is that if you don’t mercilessly punish the children of criminals, the criminals will be encouraged to keep being criminals. You’ve got to hit them where it hurts: in their family.
President Great has an abiding love of the Impartial Rule of Law. That’s why he pardoned the legendary lawman Joe Arpaio, a man who President Great recognized was “just doing his job.” Any court (like the one that found Arpaio guilty of contempt) that makes it more difficult to harass and brutalize immigrants doesn’t really understand the uses and purposes of our laws.
In the wake of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, we were reminded by a football broadcaster soliciting donations for flood victims that “America is a country that takes care of it’s own.” Amen, brother! He’s so right. We’re terribly generous, even with strangers in need. We know that we’re blessed with abundance, and it’s a pleasure — a moral obligation? — to share our blessings with those less fortunate.
Just so long as the recipients were born to the right kind of people.
Sure, 750,000 sort-of-Americans now have the specter of deportation looming over them. But you know what they say about true love: sometimes it hurts.