How to Make Yourself Irresistibly Attractive and Attractively Irresistible
Been hiking a lot lately, where what is and isn’t a “fact” seldom is argued. How nice to get away from “the news” — fake and otherwise. How nice to commune with the birds and the trees, basking in the sun, which, incidentally, is in no way whatsoever responsible for warming the planet, since the planet isn’t actually getting warmer, a fact we know because some very rich (and, therefore, credible) people have told us so. And, really, how very nice to be outdoors in a public park, where dangerous criminals, i.e. marijuana users, i.e. “bad people,” per Attorney General Sessions, are not permitted to smoke their (federally) illegal (legal-in-California and 27 other states) substance and cause great harm to upstanding tobacco smokers and alcohol drinkers.
One of the very best parts of hiking in nature is coming in contact with so many irresistibly attractive people staring at their phone as they trudge up the path. One would like to remind these charismatic folks communing with nature that they’re utterly mesmerizing, magnetically appealing objects of desire. But most of these beauties have earbuds implanted in their listening holes, so one can only gaze upon them with admiration from afar. How small and boring are the sky and the feeding woodpeckers and the dancing hummingbirds compared to whatever is appearing on the screen in their hand. We’d like to see, to know. But people as fascinating as the phone-lookers don’t usually have time for pedestrian human contact.
Besides, many of them are terribly busy dealing with a panoply of personal slights and injustices. We don’t mean to eavesdrop — that would be rude — but sometimes (OK, most of the time) the irresistibly attractive ones are having a (loud) conversation with an unseen listener, and sometimes (OK, most of the time) the subject of the conversation is injustice: how the screen watcher has been misunderstood, or treated disrespectfully, or subjected to intolerable annoyances by an alleged friend. “I’m, like, I can make it on Friday night, but then she’s, like, I have my Accountability Group then, and I’m, like, oh my God, did you not get my text? Oh my god, why does it have to be so hard to socialize with her, you know what I mean? But I’m like, whatever. It is what it is, you know?”
Sure, being serenaded by such sweet conversational music while traipsing in a wilderness area is comforting and encouraging, but it’s also frustrating. Why must we live a world where so much unfairness is heaped upon the worthy? And, more personally, why don’t we have more friends whose main communication gambit is a lengthy disquisition on how badly the world treats them?
Obviously, looking people in the eye, acknowledging their existence, maybe even saying “good morning” as you pass is kinda boring and repulsive. We’re going to have to try staring at our reflection, wherever we are, even the great outdoors. Because, really, what’s more attractive than that?