Because Monday is the one day a year we set aside to remember our brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, strangers and friends who have perished while serving our great country by killing other people’s brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, we figured we’d get the rest of our memorializing out of the way, big-box style. More convenient that way.
So, yes, we remember all the fallen soldiers who, along with their families, were bamboozled into thinking their death helped keep the rest of us “free.” They did indeed die on behalf of defending American values, like low gas prices and 24-hour streaming of our favorite TV shows. Thank you, and we’re sorry for all the lies you were told – like, you were a “hero.” But your bravery will certainly be remembered and appreciated while most of us take a day off from work and barbecue farm animals.
We remember all of them, too. Especially the ones who lived in a cage and died in a puddle of their own blood and feces.
Today we also remember the former basketball team known as the Los Angeles Clippers. Obviously, they’re dead, because now that everyone who buys tickets to NBA games knows what the billionaire owner of the team really thinks about colored folks they’ll vote with their wallet, in the finest American tradition, and never contribute another dollar to such a vile old goat. Right? It’s not like anyone could have previously imagined such foul words being spoken from Sugar Daddy Donald to anyone, not even his latest whore. This is the same guy who settled a federal housing discrimination suit with a multi-million dollar fine and collected multiple Lifetime Achievement and Humanitarian of the Year awards from trustworthy organizations like the NAACP and the Anti-Defamation League. A complicated man – and, thus, a complicated decision for the past 30 years to buy or not buy tickets to watch his salaried collection of black men. But now it’s painfully clear that Don, unlike most billionaires, who are generally amazing humanitarians and don’t mind their mistresses associating with black people, is actually not a very nice guy. So, there. Clippers, you’ve been remembered.
We bow our heads today in memory of our Climate. A conspiracy of thousands of corrupt scientists funded by a nefarious group of environmental terrorists has declared that Climate Change is happening here and now, and that one of the earliest victims will be our food supply. Climate Change will make the world a less nutritious place, and thirstier. If you think young men are willing to go off to war for oil interests (see above), wait until potable water and arable land is on the line! We had a glimmer of hope for the climate when it was announced that 96% of the petroleum locked in California’s Monterey Shale formation – like, 13 billion frackable barrels – was, in fact, unreachable with current technologies. But then it was announced that the greatest minds and the finest money would be applied to this lucrative problem. America could rest assured: that oil wasn’t going to remain in the ground where it belongs (if we hope to honor our “family values” and leave a habitable planet behind for our great-great-grandchildren). Drill, baby, drill and burn, baby, burn. You’ve been remembered, Climate. Sorry about what we did to you.
Democracy. Privacy. We remember you two, today. You were once shining ideals that, we learned in boyhood, were worth fighting (and dying; see above) for. Nowadays, neither of you are practical. Too many Middle Eastern regimes we need to prop up, too many crazy Arabs who think the whole Israel-Palestinian thing deserves more of the world’s attention. You two were cool, in theory. But real world? R.I.P. You live on in our memories.