You’ve talked to someone thirty-or-younger recently, so you’re aware that we’re presently living in the blissful state of no worries.
No worries, bro.
The problem for those of us who read newspapers and have some time to think is that there seems to be plenty to worry about — if you’re into that whole caring about stuff mode. The world quite often feels like it’s on the precipice of disaster, a calamity (or apocalypse) about to be perpetrated against humanity by humanity. No worries? Well, not really, bro.
But after 4:20PM, when we brooding types might discover a more charitable and optimistic state of mind, the sentient observer begins to understand that, wow, yeah, everything we fret about already has been fully explained to everyone’s satisfaction and there really is nothing to worry about.
Lehman Bros. Bonuses. No worries, bro. Yes, shortly before the firm’s 2008 collapse, which precipitated the global financial meltdown, Lehman Bros. awarded nearly $700 million to 50 of its highest paid executives. But DO NOT WORRY. The worthy folks who collected this bonus – which, let’s call it what it is: more like a glorious recognition of their inherent value to society — are capitalists. Surely they will spend the millions on houses and planes and whatever else they want, and many, many people will be employed to paint those houses and refuel those jets, so the proceeds of Lehman Bros. generosity to Lehman Bros. will trickle down quite nicely.
L.A. County Supervisor Campaign Chests. No worries, bro. Yes, even though they almost always run unopposed or against anonymous opponents and haven’t lost an election in more than 30 years, the incumbent members of the LA County Board of Supervisors up for re-election this year have accepted campaign contributions in excess of $350,000 (Don Knabe, unopposed) and $450,000 (Mark Ridley-Thomas, unopposed) for the grueling election season ahead. But DO NOT WORRY. The money came mostly from contractors, builders, developers, unions, healthcare workers, physicians, attorneys, and casinos. This is just another way that these winners can give back to the system that allowed them to achieve so grandly. Also, in the case of Knabe, $68,000 of the contributions were directed to a consulting firm where his son is partner, so you know it’s all in the family in a feel-good kind of way.
Taco Shells Made Out of Doritos. No worries, bro. Yes, the shells are made out of Nacho Cheese Doritos, the spicy kind, with extra flavor powder sprayed on them, and some folks might worry about the social costs of feeding low-income people low-quality food. But DO NOT WORRY. Taco Bell’s advertisements assure consumers that by purchasing the new Nacho Cheese Dorito Shell taco they’re fulfilling their destiny to “Live Mas!” It’s all about living more, not less, bitch!
Ah, yes. Life is good, except when it’s not. But even then it’s good in a way. So, yeah, no worries, bro. None.