Secret Meeting

Thank you, esteemed representatives, for joining us at this historic congregation. I know it wasn’t easy for many of you, especially the flora. We appreciate your commitment to the revolution.

Almost all living creatures are represented directly or indirectly here tonight. We understand and appreciate the passionate feelings surrounding our decision to have many crawling insect species be represented by a Leadership Council, rather than a swarm of individuals. Regrettably, we simply cannot accommodate members of every species, but rest assured there is not a phylum unspoken for at this meeting. Whether you have wings or gills, whether you walk or slither, your interests are being looked after.

Although many of us are sworn enemies and eat each other’s babies, we have put aside our differences and recognized our common foe: homo sapiens, “Man,” human.

They are the one species not invited to our planetary gathering. They are the one species that has the ability to destroy us all.

Our intelligence networks — and thank you, dogs and cats, and to some extent aquarium fish and gerbils — our spies have informed us that Humankind has an unspoken but widely understood plan to exterminate itself from planet Earth. Frankly, that would be the best thing that could ever happen to all the rest of us. Unfortunately, they seem to be intent on taking every living thing down with them.

They must be stopped.

Some of you, I know, are thinking, But I never come in contact with humans. I live at the bottom of the ocean, or, I migrate in the sky over mountain ranges, or, I’m a breed of grass that grows in a part of Greenland where humans never go. Although you’ll never see them, the humans will find a way to impact your life. They have invisible poisons they put into our air and water and soil. Of all the species, only they are intelligent enough to know how such dark magic is done. We victims do not understand; we suffer.

Tonight, that changes. Plants, animals, every living thing — I hereby open the First Planetary Inter-Species Congress on the Eradication of Humans.

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