Space Force: An Open Letter from the Intergalactic Federation

Dear President Trump and Vice-President Pence and Other Inhabitants of Planet Earth,

It has come to our attention — and sorry for the delay; light can only go so fast — creatures from the planet Earth wish to establish a so-called Space Force, militarizing areas of the universe that are not currently part of planet Earth. On behalf of the more than 78 quintillion members of the Intergalactic Federation, spanning all precincts of the Milky Way and beyond, we respectfully ask that you cease and desist from pursuing this foolish idea.

Space is a peaceful place. Evolved civilizations that you’ve not yet heard about learned millions of light years ago that eliminating violence and cruelty from their existence leads to an altogether better existence. Killing is a highly ignorant behavior practiced by the lowest life forms. We do not welcome such life forms in our federation of galaxies.

It has also come to our attention that one¬†relatively small area of planet Earth, a place called the United States of America, wishes to implement and operate the proposed Space Force. Further research confirms that your planned Space Force is not, in fact, meant to protect all the living creatures of planet Earth, only an elite minority of them, those called Americans. We’ve run the variables through our best intelligence machines, and they deliver a uniform answer: Any species that has not figured out how to stop murdering other members of their species is too dangerous to allow into a peaceful space, or, in this case, Space.

We respectfully suggest that the resources you intend on misappropriating to militarize regions that don’t belong to you be reallocated, perhaps on projects that foster happiness and eternal bliss, not misery and sorrow.

We love you, Earthlings. But based on several thousand years of observable behavior, your bad energy isn’t wanted in Space.

Sincerely,

The Intergalactic Federation

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