Tagged: humorous essay by michael konik

Suspension of Disbelievers

North Korea is launching rockets, Syria is slaughtering its citizens, and the Filipino community is organizing a massive get-out-the-vote campaign for a crucial election (not for something boring and unimportant like a public office but a cause that’s got folks passionately engaged: the American Idol finals). So the astonishingly weird five-game suspension of Miami Marlins...

Perverse Priorities

Sometimes our chaotic, unknowable, seemingly random Universe arranges itself with perfect symmetry. In these moments of bracing clarity, authored by a Creator (in whatever guise or nomenclature you prefer) whose sense of irony is matched only by her/his/its sense of wicked humor, our innate foolishness and learned stubbornness are robbed of their pretensions. We see...

Lotteries, Poker, and Other People’s Money

Braving odds of 176 million-to-1, scores of otherwise sensible Americans, including several of our intelligent friends, were infected with Lottery Fever this past week, standing in lines of up to three hours to buy a ticket at “lucky” liquor stores and gas stations. The prospect of a $640 million jackpot and the assurance that some...

Violence Voyeurism

Outrageous. Horrifying. Disgusting. These were some of the adjectives hurled in the press when news broke that the former world champions of football, the New Orleans Saints, for years had instituted a bounty system that rewarded their players for knocking opponents out of the game. Players contributed to an in-house pool and collected $1,000-$1,500 when...

What the Frack!?

In 1969, the Cayahoga River, one of Lake Erie’s major tributaries, caught fire. This provided the kind of visual evidence boring old science never could. Folks got hip: Industry, they realized, was using American waterways as a massive free sewage system for their most noxious waste. Americans got serious about pollution in our water for...

Encouraging Words for Despairing Artists

If you’re an artist, or have an artistic impulse, or care deeply about art, you probably experience the kind of quiet despair that I find in many of my jazz musician friends, my poet friends, my painter friends, and frequently from myself. Yes, it’s heartbreaking to be part of a culture that finds the work that...

A F*cking Problem in the Comedy World

We here at MichaelKonik.com aren’t persnickety. We’re not prudes. We don’t take offense. Very little is out of bounds in our way of thinking. Sure, venality and cruelty and mendacity tend to rankle and annoy, and, sure, we’re probably more squeamish than most when it comes to violence. But “bad words” don’t bother us like they...

The Clock Manager

We pause today from our usual examination of Things That Matter (or at least sometimes seem to) and turn our focus to something that actually really does matter, something that matters profoundly, and to more people than we can probably imagine: football. Although our feeble, cannabis-influenced brain can’t properly formulate a satisfying answer to the...

The New Devil’s Dictionary (Abridged)

With apologies (and mad props) to Ambrose Bierce, we offer a few selections from our upcoming blockbuster The New Devil’s Dictionary: Tellin’ it Like it Is, Ya’ll!  We invite expressions of gratitude, outrage, derision, glee, dismay, and insight to be entered as comments below, or sent to via registered and insured mail to the executors...

Matters of Public Insertion

Aside from their protective utility, latex condoms aren’t anyone’s first choice for a sexual accoutrement. Claims to the efficacy of certain “ribbed for her pleasure” varieties notwithstanding, folks use them to prevent pregnancies and transmittable diseases, not because rubbers enhance sex. Sure, the old putting-it-on-with-your-mouth trick, redolent of European brothels and Asian massage parlors, has...