Tagged: humorous essay

The Anthem and American Patriotism

For proud Americans who might question this author’s patriotism, let us reassure you that this micro-essay is being written while standing. When it comes to our national anthem, we don’t fool around. Unlike certain professional athletes, we understand the powerful symbolism in standing for a song about a symbol (a flag, “The Star-Spangled Banner”), a...

Shiva Singh-Schlimovitz Knows Best

Go to her official site. Right there on the Home Page: “I may not know how to pick husbands, but I know what’s best for our country! I think she’s being funny? #irony Facts: The marriages. She’s had three of them, so far. None of these husbands has lasted longer than two years. Kept first-husband’s...

A Modest Proposal for Solving the Muslim Problem

Pardon the unvarnished straight talk. Let’s hope the Political Correctness Police don’t drag us away to their multi-cultural re-education facility. But someone has got to say it bluntly: We have a serious Muslim Problem here in the United States of America. Last time we checked, the USA was still a Christian nation, with Christian values...

Free Life Coaching

Welcome to your free Life Coaching session. A little bit about me before we get to the more interesting subject of you: I’m “in recovery” from nothing. I have no substance abuse issues. Never been bankrupt. Never been arrested. Height-weight appropriate; free of any chronic physical ailments; all systems working properly. Regardless of external circumstances,...

Investing

To most people, Michael Konik is a poet-philosopher-essayist-thought-leader who used to be on TV. To the investment community, Michael Konik is King Midas. What Michael Konik touches turns to something better than gold: ROIs in the mid-teens. That’s why venture capital firms throw money at us; that’s why brokerages want our business. On the heels...

K2O2: The Venture Capital Pitch

Good afternoon. Thank you for this opportunity. I know your time in the shark tank is valuable, so I’ll get right to the pitch. We’re seeking start-up capital to launch our premium lifestyle brand of Himalayan air: K2O2. As some of you might know from high school geography, K2 is a very high mountain peak...

Killing With Guns, or Any Other Necessary and Permissible Means

Since we’ve collectively agreed that guns are a necessary part of American life, we’re beginning to collectively accept that a certain number of us, the unfortunate ones, child scholars, must die. It’s the price we pay for the privilege of owning firearms and the bullets they propel. Whether or not you think semi-regular campus/church/Cineplex/school-shootings are...

Anything’s Possible

Anything’s possible. And that’s what’s so great about being alive at this particularly time in human history, when we’ve advanced so far beyond our ancestors that their antiquated ways of thinking seem mildly pathetic and our fresh, new ways of thinking are bravely innovative. Evolution has brought us far from our monkey origins. Now we...

An Open Letter to a Naughty Podcaster

Dear Person Who Shall Remain Nameless in Order to Preserve Whatever Shred of Credibility You Might Still Have Among Your Listeners, Although for years you’ve railed against big banks, multi-national corporations, and the rich (mostly white) folks who benefit from quotidian financial chicanery, when a candidate for President of the United States, Bernie Sanders, recently...

Greatness

There are many paths to greatness. This is one man’s. + Be the son of an already-rich real estate magnate. + Enjoy every advantage commensurate with privilege and nepotism. + Buy your way into the Atlantic City gambling business, where your “customers” are known as losers. + Extract hundreds of millions of dollars in personal...