Tagged: michaelkonik.com

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Poem: Fine Fellows

These fine fellows with their wattles and their medals Their jiggling jowls and joyless eyes Broadcasting breaking news from the feeding trough Where these fine fellows congregate and cogitate These alphamen oozing oleaginous charm Any cute ambitious telegenic girl with a healthy appetite for achievement Could hardly resist How unpleasant and unkind and unthinkable really For...

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Sausage Party

Until viewing the movie “Sausage Party,” we were unaware that a scathing critique of organized religion could be elegantly disguised as an animated film about grocery store products. We didn’t know that sausages and buns — and bagels and bananas, and everything else in a supermarket — could illuminate the folly of waiting for “a better...

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Emergency Services Response Times Are Vitally Important (Except When A Wealthy Developer Decides They’re Not)

The City of Los Angeles is deeply concerned with Emergency Services response times, and with good reason. One or two minutes can sometimes be the difference between saving lives and arriving too late. For the past couple of years, to measure Fire Department alacrity (or lack thereof), the City has employed a sophisticated data-analysis program...

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“No” on Measure C

Mr. Eric Blair must be smiling somewhere. During his lifetime, he managed to turn his pen name into a standard adjective: “Orwellian.” And now, years after his death, we’re living in the dystopia he imagined/predicted. Orwellian: a perfect one-word distillation of a complicated process whereby something that means one thing eventually comes to mean the...

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When Los Angelenos Are Forced to Sue Their Elected Leaders

In the past two years, the City of Los Angeles has paid out more than $75 million to settle lawsuits brought against the municipality. Add in the expense of litigation and the total is more than $113 million. Unsurprisingly, some of that money was paid out  to settle hundreds of police misconduct cases — more...

How to Placate a Screaming Child

Have you raised a child? Trained a puppy? Gone through puberty? Then you understand from experience the most intelligent and wise response to a petulant tantrum: give the child the attention he craves; validate his melodramatics; reinforce the idea that if the screaming-crying-barking-saber-rattling is persistent and annoying enough, the screamer will get what he wants. Everyone...

An Open Letter to the Mayor of Cherry Hills Village

Laura Christman is the Mayor of Cherry Hills Village, Colorado, one of America’s most affluent suburbs. South of Denver, Cherry Hills is home to a world famous U.S. Open golf course – Arnold Palmer won there in 1960, overtaking a young amateur named Jack Nicklaus. Many great American success stories live nearby. Mayor Christman leads...

SportLiterate

Call it the New Yorker for people who love sports. For more than 20 years, SportLiterate has published essays, poems and “think pieces” about our favorite games and the athletes that play them. Unlike, say, sports-radio and sports-television, the focus isn’t guaranteed contracts, top-5 lists, or personality conflicts ripped from soap opera story-lines. SL explores what sports mean:...

One Genius Departs, Another Arrives

It’s been a terrible year of loss for those of us who consider the weekly collection of New Yorker cartoons one of the best reasons for living. William Hamilton, Michael Crawford, Frank Modell — all these legends died recently. And now Jack Ziegler. Even if you didn’t know the name or the man, you’ve seen his cartoons,...

Being More Like Billie

She loves everyone. That’s a good place to start. As the world seems to be getting angrier and crueler by the hour, our 10-month-old puppy, Billie Henrietta Konik, seems to be getting sweeter and kinder. Yes, of course: she’s the cutest, most adorable creature ever, as all dog owners understand about their pet. But what’s impressive...