The NASCAR President
We’re resigned to a world where money is speech, not property, a world where no one minds that half their Members of Congress are millionaires (as opposed to 1% of the population-at-large), where $372 million was spent on promoting or attacking 11 California initiatives, much of it by secret donors who went to court to keep their identities shrouded. We get it.
Since the Supreme Court has taught us that corporations are people and since it has come to light that this particular group of people largely controls the Land of the Free, we think it best if all of us could stop pretending it’s otherwise. Let’s celebrate!
Gary Johnson, the Libertarian Party’s presidential candidate, had a cool idea. He thinks that society would be best served if all politicians were required to wear upon their suits and dresses the decaled logos of their corporate patrons, like a NASCAR driver.
This way we could know which guy is Exxon-Mobil’s man, and which horse Citi has in the race. By labeling our politicians like we do our snack food, we’ll all become smarter consumers, giving our precious vote to the corporation(s) we like best.
The winners could express their appreciation in the form of a nice note and a $50 coupon for Exxon-Mobil fossil fuel products. The transactional nature of our system would function openly and seamlessly. Everyone gets what he wants, and politicians wouldn’t have to lie nearly as much.
President Obama, we’re sending you a Microsoft decal for your left lapel and a Google patch for your right shoulder. Time-Warner’s can go on your right breast, above Comcast’s. We’ll save both legs for all the donors who prop up your Democratic Party.
In the spirit of transparency, Mr. President, sir, we encourage you to start stitching.