The New Devil’s Dictionary (Abridged)
With apologies (and mad props) to Ambrose Bierce, we offer a few selections from our upcoming blockbuster The New Devil’s Dictionary: Tellin’ it Like it Is, Ya’ll! We invite expressions of gratitude, outrage, derision, glee, dismay, and insight to be entered as comments below, or sent to via registered and insured mail to the executors of the Bierce estate.
“Morality”: What one group of people invokes when another group of people is having too much fun.
“Soy Sauce”: Tar-colored liquid salt.
“Phallacy”: The mistaken belief that size doesn’t matter.
“E-Trade”: America’s most popular online casino.
“Jews; i.e. ‘The Chosen People'”: A tribe of desert dwellers who figured out the ideal way — “God likes us the best!” — to alienate and enrage all other tribes.
“National Football League”: Proof that free markets are nice, but monopolies are nicer.
“The Bible,” “The Koran,” and “The Talmud“: A compendium of justifications for otherwise unjustifiable behavior.
“Political donation”: Bribe.
“Tweets”: Literature for those who hate reading.
“Ed Hardy Boots,” “Axe Body Wash,” “Affliction T-Shirts” and “Captain Morgan Rum”: Key accessories for not getting laid.
“Marriage”: A holy contract between two people who are permitted to share openly with each other their wildest sexual fantasies exclusively involving their spouse.
“Spiritual”: Not religious.
“Religious”: Not spiritual. Also, the quality of shamelessness associated with those who publicly announce that they have private conversations with God. Not synonymous with insane.
“Police”: Low-wage private security force for those with property and power.
“Military”: Lower-wage private security force for those with property and power.
“Entertainment Industry Journalism”: Advertising.
“Tiger Woods,” “Mitt Romney,” and “F. Murray Abraham”: People who dislike their real first name.
“Facebook”: A place to connect with friends and disconnect from the outside world.
“Cannabis”: A plant species that according to the Federal government has no known medicinal value and no known benefits, yet, nonetheless, requires a multi-billion-dollar law enforcement and prison industry to keep it out of the hands of those who mistakenly believe it to have medicinal value and obvious benefits.
“Santorum”: [unprintable] Search the Web for the precise definition.