White House Press Conference

The President’s PRESS SECRETARY stands at a lectern. The  WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORP sits before her.

 

PRESS SECRETARY

I’ll make a brief statement and then take your questions. . .We’re in Day 3,034 of “Operation Iraqi Freedom,” and this administration is, and I quote, “tickled” with the progress that’s been made thus far. While there have been several unfortunate incidents that the President deeply regrets, he understands that “shit happens” during wartime. The White House is particularly disturbed by confirmed reports of terrorists dressing in civilian clothing and employing so-called “human shields.” This is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention, and if anyone is still alive when we’re done bombing the falafel out of them, they will be held accountable. Also, the President today announces an additional $32 billion in food aid for Iraqi citizens, the formation of a new committee to research rebuilding the country’s infrastructure, and a supplementary “Patriot Tax” on (mumbling) the movies of Sean Penn. (clearly) Now, I’ll take your questions. John?

REPORTER

Could you repeat that last part?

 

PRESS SECRETARY

About the food aid?

 

REPORTER

No. Something about a tax?  A new “Patriot Tax”?

PRESS SECRETARY

Right. The President is announcing a new “Patriot Tax” on the, um, on movies.

REPORTER

(amid general murmuring in the corp)

On movies?

PRESS SECRETARY

Yes.

REPORTER #2

All movies?

PRESS SECRETARY

Well, yes. All movies. . .that, um, feature Sean Penn.

REPORTER

Let me get this straight. The President intends to apply a new tax, a surcharge, on movies? Specifically, those involving the actor Sean Penn?

PRESS SECRETARY

Right. Any movie in which he appears as a performer.

REPORTER #3

Not as a director.

PRESS SECRETARY

My understanding is that new “Patriot Tax” would apply only to movies in which Mr. Penn actually performs. So for instance, Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Taxed. I Am Sam. Taxed. The Crossing Guard? No tax.

REPORTER

And the purpose of this tax would be?

PRESS SECRETARY

Well, the President hopes to send a message to the people of Iraq.

REPORTER

Which would be?

PRESS SECRETARY

Which would be, um. . .well, you know. . .that this war is not against the good people of Iraq. It’s against the murderous dictator that imprisons them. And people who would befriend him.

REPORTER #4

But Sadaam is already dead.

PRESS SECRETARY

You didn’t let me finish. Also, the terrorists.

REPORTER #5

How would you respond to those who would say that this new “Patriot Tax” is just a thinly veiled form of retribution against a high-profile celebrity who’s views do not match those of the administration’s?

PRESS SECRETARY

I would say, “Shame on you!” This is wartime, people. We need to put the United back in the USA. The President is our Commander in Chief, and, frankly, all of us – especially those in the media – need to stand behind him.

REPORTER

A follow-up. How large of a tax are we talking about here?

PRESS SECRETARY

The final numbers haven’t been determined yet. But the President is talking about something in the six- to seven-hundred percent range.

REPORTER

Meaning?

PRESS SECRETARY

Meaning that, say, you rent, for instance, Sweet and Lowdown” at the Redbox. Normally it’s, what? $4 for a few days? OK, so with the new “Patriot Tax” it would be like $26.

REPORTER #4

That makes no sense!

Press Secretary

It makes perfect sense. Just multiply four by 6.5. (she shrugs). OK. Last question.

REPORTER

The last two weeks, while the wars have been, um, raging in Iraq and Afghanistan, the President has spent his weekends at Mar-a-Lago. What exactly is he doing there?

PRESS SECRETARY

He gets daily briefings from very smart people. And should there be major battle developments, he has a direct line to the Generals at Centcom. But for the most part the President’s weekends are for relaxing. Spending time with the First Lady. Watching movies.

REPORTER

Sean Penn movies?

PRESS SECRETARY

Mostly John Wayne pictures, actually.

(gathering her papers)

 Thank you. And may God continue to Bless America.

 

 

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1 Response

  1. Charmaine says:

    Hilarious and yet scary.

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