A Message from the Richest Man in the World

Hello, fellow humans. How are you doing? Feeling OK?

This whole Corona Virus deal has been rough, especially for the elderly and financially disadvantaged. I get it. And I want to help.

As an expression of my gratitude to all the people whose labor and consumption have made me the wealthiest person in the history of our planet, I’ve decided to give (a little) back to the rest of you. As of Monday, my company will be emailing $1,000 shopping vouchers to every person in the United States (every person with a membership in my shopping club). These coupons can be used at my Website to buy whatever you want (with the exception of certain high-demand items, like hand sanitizer and face masks). Get what you want. It’s on me (this one time). You don’t have to pay me back. Just shop and enjoy. That’s all.

Certain socialist types like to yammer about “income inequality” and “wealth disparity” and blah-blah-blah. This is my way of redistributing some of the capital I’m having a hard time finding anything to do with. Want a vacuum cleaner? Get it. A blender? Yours. Scented candles, video games, novelty t-shirts? Go for it.

If the pandemic continues longer than a couple more weeks, I’ll huddle with my financial advisers and figure out how much more I can afford to give away. Keep in mind, if cash-paying customers shop less, eventually the profits at my company will suffer, and we might have to institute emergency austerity measures.

In the meantime, we have a comfortable nest egg at our disposal thanks to your faithful patronage and the cleverness of my tax attorneys. Consider the $1,000 vouchers my way of helping everyone (who buys at my company) get through this difficult time.

Stay healthy! (And keep shopping).

Your Pal,


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2 Responses

  1. Don Naifeh says:

    Wait! What?!

  2. Clemmie Sotiriou says:

    This piece explains the problem with our country perfectly. Genius.