A Modest Proposal: Criminalize Coffee

Let us resolve to do the right thing. Let us put aside our selfish obsessions and protect those who cannot or will not protect themselves. We must unite for the common good, to insulate American society from a growing and real menace that originates overseas but infects each of our United States. 

It’s time to criminalize the possession and distribution of coffee.

Predictably, so-called civil libertarians will call me names — like “fascist,” “tyrant” and “North Korean.” They’ll squeal and whine about “individual rights” and “personal privacy” and all sorts of other nonsense that, last time I checked, isn’t actually literally specifically explicitly guaranteed in the Constitution. Show me one passage that mentions the God-given right to ingest coffee, whether in liquid or solid form, and I’ll go quietly. But since there is no such “protection” for that which can be swallowed or chewed, allow me to call attention to The Way Things Really Work, also known as reality.

The majority of those who reside in the land of the free are happy to let our benevolent overseers decide what we can and cannot put in our bodies. Through our elected representatives, who, the theory goes, act on our collective wishes and desires, we authorize the federal government to criminalize some things (heroin, opium, hallucinogenic mushrooms), regulate and warn us about other things (tobacco, alcohol, offensive song lyrics), and tacitly endorse others (sugar, aspirin, deep fried potatoes.) How much longer must we wait until those with our best interests at heart find the courage to shield us — and even more important, our children — from the pernicious threat that is (foreign grown) coffee?

I won’t bore you with the data. It’s pretty well known, and you can find this stuff reported on the Internet. Users like to claim it’s “harmless,” but that’s obviously a rationalization to justify a nasty habit. Coffee has all sorts of bad side-effects, not the least of which it’s addictive. Terribly addictive. So addictive that millions of innocent Americans will pay upwards of $3 for a cup of it if it comes from a reputable dealer, such as Starbucks. It’s heartbreaking, really, to hear otherwise healthy and morally upstanding Moms and Dads, Brothers and Sisters, Sons and Daughters, announce without shame that they’re “not themselves” because they haven’t yet “had their morning fix.”

Plus, who hasn’t been affected negatively by someone hopped up on undiluted Arabica?

Coffee hurts all of us. Even those of us strong enough to resist coffee’s temptations suffer the residual consequences of countless junkies who aren’t as disciplined or smart as us. And isn’t that what government regulation of controlled substances is all about? Acting as custodian for the Greater Good and helping weaklings to behave properly?

I myself have never drunk coffee. Nor have I read “The Satanic Verses” or had homosexual intercourse. But I intuitively know these things aren’t really necessary in a virtuous society, and there are plenty of folks smarter than I who have done the research to illustrate this simple point.

Nonetheless, I recognize that a substantial portion of my fellow citizens don’t trust the elites who study these phenomena and publish their findings in scholarly journals and such. So just because I can show you plenty of material that proves conclusively — to my mind, anyway — that coffee is a dangerous, destructive substance that insidiously damages America’s greatness, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m right. Which is why we have this thing called free and fair elections.

I propose we place an initiative on the next available ballot. Let’s put it to a vote. That’s the way democracy works. Let the naysayers laugh. Let them make effete arguments about freedom to choose and blah-blah-blah. One day when our republic is cleansed of coffee and everything else that’s bad for us — candy bars, anyone? — those of us who were brave and magnanimous enough to look out for the uneducated victims will be treated as heroes and visionaries. 

The special interests will try to brainwash you into thinking coffee has “demonstrable benefits” and is “not a threat if used in moderation” and “never shown to cause criminal or anti-social behavior.” But don’t be fooled. They’ve been saying the same thing about marijuana for years!


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6 Responses

  1. MK Fan says:

    Hilarious. Very clever, sir. Very smart. Mr. Swift would be proud.

  2. anonymous says:

    Ok, now I get it. I guess I missed the Modest Proposal part. Nice. Yeah, the more I think about it I gotta say this is pretty fucking brilliant. Am I allowed to say that here? Guess we’ll find out. Anyway, nice job on your new site.

  3. anonymous says:

    Funny but true. Blaze on, brother.

  4. 48 C says:


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  5. vps says:

    Fantastic website, great essay.

  6. Tipper says:

    You have brought up some excellent points in a funny way!