A Modest Proposal for Medicating Our Children
Kids who can’t (or won’t) sit still and be quiet aren’t normal. They have a disorder. They have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It’s a serious disease that requires serious treatment. And if you don’t believe us, ask any pediatrician with a prescription pad.
Since they’re desperately unwell, these ill children require medicine. Two of the best ones are Ritalin and Adderall, a notoriously addictive stimulant very closely related to methamphetamine, which is an illegal, remarkably dangerous substance. Adderall, of course, is perfectly legal, although some unscrupulous drug dealers on the street sell “Addys” procured from legal drug dealers in medical offices. The stuff works. It makes kids pay attention. The only tiny problem with this miracle substance is that it doesn’t actually cure the child’s horrible disease; it “manages it.”
This requires taking Adderall for the rest of your life — which can be tricky when your prescription runs out. We know one young adult, 22, who’s been popping pills since he was in 3rd Grade. Life without his speed tablets is more or less unlivable. He can’t function. Without Adderall he’s alive, but he has no life.
Why torture our youngsters so cruelly? A nifty solution for preventing Adderall withdrawal occurred to us while perusing ingredients labels at the grocery store.
We noticed that virtually every product in a bag or bottle or can contains as one of its ingredients sugar (or one of its variants, like high fructose corn syrup or cane juice.) Although our bodies don’t require processed sugar to maintain a healthy diet — we get plenty of natural sugars from other sources — it’s laced into many of the things we and our children like to eat. From the time they graduate from breast milk to breakfast cereals, children are drugged with sugar, gradually turning them into sugar-craving adults with addictions to sweets. Notice we don’t overdose our children, sending them into diabetic shock. We microdose them.
Does that word ring a bell? Silicon Valley engineers are doing it. Fortune 500 types are doing it. Microdosing. They’re taking microscopic, vitamin-sized amounts of certain drugs that are known to have incredibly beneficial effects on the mind: LSD, mescaline, psylocybin mushrooms. The dose is so low — 1/10th to 1/100th of a psychoactive dose — the user doesn’t trip; indeed she is very much present in the here and now. Extremely present. Like she was on Adderall.
Why not, we thought, start microdosing our children? With Adderall. Before they contract ADHD.
We propose removing all processed sugar from children’s treats and replacing it with minute amounts of speed/Adderall. This way we defeat the pernicious ADHD disease once and for all, something we’ve not managed to do with cancer or congestive heart failure. With the scourge of this foul malady finally cleansed from young brains, we’ll have a population of well-behaved, highly attentive young people, the kind who will go on to be good students, soldiers, and employees.
And when they’re old enough for high school, they can graduate to energy drinks and coffee.