Aphorisms, Epigrams, and Such
Women who say they prefer chocolate to sex either have bad sex lives or exceptionally great chocolate.
Male nipples simultaneously disprove evolution and intelligent design.
Marriage is the most reliable curative for hopelessly incurable romantics.
People who frequently “need to vent” to friends usually have previously failed to say what they really mean to those who inspired their need to vent.
Behind every vast fortune is a master criminal calling himself something else.
Those who employ the locution “eats like a bird” do not have backyard bird feeders in need of daily re-filling.
The most dangerous people are those who dedicate their lives to protecting people from themselves.
Sportscasters who frequently use the phrase “sacrifice his body” don’t understand what the word sacrifice means.
Professional athletes are paid handsomely not for their ability to throw or kick a ball, but for their ability to distract us from all the vexing stuff that matters.
Billionaires and social justice make strange bedfellows.
People who like jazz don’t like smooth jazz, and people who like smooth jazz don’t like jazz, but everyone likes smooth.