Endorsement: Brett Kavanaugh for Supreme Court!

This space has previously offered ringing endorsements of candidates for Sheriff of Los Angeles, and Pope of the World. Today, we proudly add to that list the Honorable Brett Kavanaugh, soon to be the newest member of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

Our reasons for supporting his nomination are copious and varied; there’s much to love about “the Brett brand” of jurisprudence. We’ll enumerate our favorites.

1. America First. Brett, along with John Yoo, was one of the brilliant legal minds who contributed to President George W. Bush’s it’s-OK-to-torture-prisoners policy. As any credible historian not in thrall to the propaganda churned out by mainstream media can tell you: Torturing prisoners has prevented numerous terrorists attacks and simultaneously lessened the number of future terrorists, scaring them off with the prospect of waterboarding. Raised with solid American values and morals, Brett Kavanaugh is a concerned patriot whose brilliant legal mind helped keep you and me and all our precious children safe during that frightening time when we hadn’t yet won the War on Terror. For this alone he ought to be confirmed.
2. What’s Good for Business Is Good for the USA. In his storied career as a Federal judge, in almost every single case argued before him, Brett Kavanaugh ruled in favor of corporations and against the public interest. Critics (falsely) claim that his decisions hurt low-wage workers, immigrants, and the environment — none of which provide employment or grow the tax base. What they really did was empower wealthy companies — most of which provide employment (and, in rare cases, contribute to the tax coffers). When the long-term economic health of our nation has been in question, Brett has had the answers.
3. Knows How to Have Fun. Sure, he went to prep school and Yale and has enjoyed every advantage in life afforded someone in his position. But as we learned at the freak-show known as the Confirmation Hearings, Brett’s more or less just a regular Joe Six-Pack. Brett likes to drink beer, or “skis” in the parlance of the times. He’s normal. He doesn’t do dangerous and irresponsible things like smoke cannabis or eat magic mushrooms. Brett is super smart and he knows how to let loose appropriately, with alcohol. Great combination in a guy and, by extension, an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.
4. Cool Under Fire. When monumental cases are being argued we want judges who can remain calm and impartial, placid and unemotional. When our sacred 2nd Amendment rights are under attack, or when the lives of unborn babies are under attack, we need judges who respect the constitution and (the vast majority of) their fellow citizens. We need someone who knows how to stick up for The Law and for himself. When confronted with a pack of vicious lies about his character, Brett’s proven beyond a doubt that he’s got what it takes to do what’s right: be outraged.
5. Ladies Love Him. Do the math. Millions of women voted for Donald Trump; millions of women voted for the GOP senators supporting Brett’s nomination; hundreds-of-thousands more want Roe vs. Wade overturned; thousands of women over the years went to school with Brett, worked with him, partied with him; he’s married to one. Add that all up. They all stand beside him (or a respectful distance behind him). On the other side you’ve got 3, maybe 4, women who don’t like Brett, who allege he did this or that to them when they were younger. Three Disgruntleds vs. Millions of Happies. If this were an election, they’d call it a landslide. Let’s clear up a pernicious misconception: It’s not just angry white men who love Brett Kavanaugh, it’s the ladies, too.