Evening News Script

Good evening, I’m [insert name]. Welcome to the Evening News.

Our top story tonight: [something to fear; followed by expert analysis explaining why viewers should be fearful].

In other news: [something to fear].

In a related story: [something else to possibly fear in the near future].

Commercial break: [insert advertisement for a pharmaceutical product; followed by advertisement for a sugar product; followed by another advertisement for a pharmaceutical product that helps alleviate symptoms caused by sugar or the previously advertised pharmaceutical product].

Cue heroic fanfare; fade music as we return live.

Story: [something disturbing and implicitly frightening].

Another sort-of-related story: [what authorities are doing to ameliorate public fear].

A totally different story: [comic relief, preferably involving celebrities, cute animals, or precocious children].

Commercial break: [insert advertisement for pharmaceutical product that treats anxiety; followed by advertisement for pharmaceutical product that alleviates the symptoms caused by another pharmaceutical product; followed by advertisement for a sugar/fat/salt product].

Cue heroic fanfare; fade music as we return live.

Story: [something about celebrity bad behavior].

Story: [something else to fear].

Story: [something about political-industrial-financial malfeasance; followed by expert analysis explaining “what we should expect” to happen].

Commercial break: [insert advertisement for product to help consumers “escape” their life; followed by advertisement for another pharmaceutical product that addresses the nationwide plague of erectile dysfunction; followed by advertisement for credit cards].

Cue heroic fanfare; fade music as we return live.

Story culled from the Internet: [more celebrity hijinks].

Leftover story: [insert real “news” package].

Closing Story: [insert lighthearted/inspiring/instructive/uplifting story about the indomitable human spirt or unusually talented house-pet].

I’m [insert name]. Thank you for watching the Evening News, the one source you can trust.

Cue music, fade lights, run final pharmaceutical advertisement.