Evening News Script
Good evening, I’m [insert name]. Welcome to the Evening News.
Our top story tonight: [something to fear; followed by expert analysis explaining why viewers should be fearful].
In other news: [something to fear].
In a related story: [something else to possibly fear in the near future].
Commercial break: [insert advertisement for a pharmaceutical product; followed by advertisement for a sugar product; followed by another advertisement for a pharmaceutical product that helps alleviate symptoms caused by sugar or the previously advertised pharmaceutical product].
Cue heroic fanfare; fade music as we return live.
Story: [something disturbing and implicitly frightening].
Another sort-of-related story: [what authorities are doing to ameliorate public fear].
A totally different story: [comic relief, preferably involving celebrities, cute animals, or precocious children].
Commercial break: [insert advertisement for pharmaceutical product that treats anxiety; followed by advertisement for pharmaceutical product that alleviates the symptoms caused by another pharmaceutical product; followed by advertisement for a sugar/fat/salt product].
Cue heroic fanfare; fade music as we return live.
Story: [something about celebrity bad behavior].
Story: [something else to fear].
Story: [something about political-industrial-financial malfeasance; followed by expert analysis explaining “what we should expect” to happen].
Commercial break: [insert advertisement for product to help consumers “escape” their life; followed by advertisement for another pharmaceutical product that addresses the nationwide plague of erectile 
dysfunction; followed by advertisement for credit cards].
Cue heroic fanfare; fade music as we return live.
Story culled from the Internet: [more celebrity hijinks].
Leftover story: [insert real “news” package].
Closing Story: [insert lighthearted/inspiring/instructive/uplifting story about the indomitable human spirt or unusually talented house-pet].
I’m [insert name]. Thank you for watching the Evening News, the one source you can trust.
Cue music, fade lights, run final pharmaceutical advertisement.
