Kevlar for Kids
When news of the latest school shooting reached us, our first impulse, of course, was to offer “thoughts and prayers,” and to make sure via social media everyone understood that we were offering thoughts and prayers. Our second impulse — and this seems to happen every time there’s another mass murder involving an angry white male and his AR-15 — was to start a charitable foundation for the victims, a nonprofit dedicated to protecting and nurturing our nation’s precious children.
Please accept our apology: the idea we came up with is too good not to turn into a (highly profitable) business. So we incorporated (in Delaware, which has some advantages), hired a trademark lawyer, and started to build a commercial Website. Already, less than a month after the Parkland, Florida massacre, we’re breaking even; soon, we’ll be in the black. But even more important than the riches we’re accumulating are all the innocent lives we’re saving. You could say we’re doing well by doing good.
Our company? Kevlar for Kids™.
It’s simple, really. When children leave the safety of their home, they need protection from American citizens exercising their God-given right to brandish a firearm. Our proprietary blend of spandex and carbon-fiber fits young bodies like a wet-suit, encasing them in bullet-stopping armor. It’s comfortable enough for a kid to sit through math and science class, and strong enough to stop all but the most lethal ammunition. Kevlar for Kids™ is right for every school district, because you can never tell which former student is going to be having a very bad day.
Recently, we’ve partnered with the acclaimed Brooklyn-based, China-centered firm of E. Christy & Associates to produce enough Kevlar for Kids™ to safely educate the entire 3rd Grade of Kansas, and we’re working round the clock to manufacture more. Our goal: body armor for every child in the United States.
Critics have pointed out that our phenomenal bullet-proof vests and leggings are useless to stop gaping head wounds. We listened. For only $49 more, purchasers of Kevlar of Kids™ get a stylish Safety Helmet™, bringing extra peace of mind (and an impregnable layer of plexifber®). They look a little like astronaut helmets, like what Matt Damon wore in The Martian, and kids really love ’em. Sure, it’s a little harder to hear, but most teachers quickly learn to speak up — to project their voice — and no one misses a word.
Speaking of teachers, because they’re adults and many of them belong to unions, we cannot compel them to wear Safety Helmets™ in the classroom — or anywhere else, really. Yes, of course, any time you leave the sanctuary of your home, it’s probably best to wear your helmet, but — and this is kind of ironic — the places where you least want to wear it (movie theaters, churches, elementary schools) are the places where you’re most likely to be shot. Our parental advice: If you love your child, make her wear Kevlar for Kids™ and a Safety Helmet™ at any location she’s not protected by armed security.
If it were up to us, there would be legislation in all 50 states (and federally) to mandate the wearing of Kevlar for Kids™. The government should provide life-saving armor and helmets for all students, K-12 — or at least until they’re 18 and can exercise their 2nd Amendment right. We think there ought to be a law to protect our young people — all of us, really — from random gun violence. We can no longer wait; we must act!
Requiring body armor of every student in America will certainly be easier than reforming our gun control laws.