Nice Person

You seem really nice.

I like you.

I don’t know if we’re into the same stuff or anything, but you’re really fun to talk to. I can see why people say you’re adorable and easy-to-get-along-with.

Do I seem like a nice person to you? I’m passionate, that’s for sure! You know, I strongly support the death penalty and I spend my free time protesting various legislatures that wish to ban killing other humans as a punishment for killing other humans.

Do I seem likable? I hate labor unions and I love entrepreneurs. I’m totally against government regulation and I’m a super big fan of the Free Market. Life is a game, and someone has to win.

If you didn’t really know me, would you still sort of want to be my friend, anyway? Every time an American-made bomb kills someone on the other side of the world, I feel a little safer and prouder.

I’m very family-oriented. Do you intrinsically trust me?

My grandkids will grow up knowing their Pappy Mike did his damnedest to protect the sacred institution of marriage instead of bending to trendy popular opinion about homosexuals.

Do you want to hang out? We could open-carry our guns into Chipotle. Or guard the border from those who wish to take advantage of the American welfare system.

Or whatever. The point is, you’re obviously a nice person and I’m obviously a nice person. So let’s make it twice as nice!

What? Really? That’s what you thought? Gosh, I guess I wasn’t clear. I actually have no problem with any people or any group – I mean, besides criminals, leeches, and dictators who hate our freedoms. I’m nice to everyone.

Yes, I’m serious. I’m a nice person.

Just because you may disagree with one or two of my views doesn’t mean I’m not a nice guy. Because I am.

I’m a very nice person.