Sharing, Caring, Giving

Thanks to our good looks, superior intelligence, and unimaginable privilege, we’re rich! Do you know how much calla lilies cost at a reputable flower purveyor? We’ve got hundreds of them in our garden. Blood oranges? Also hundreds.

We can’t eat them all, so we give them away. Same thing with our money. Since we’re into sharing, spreading the goodness around, we’ve decided this year to take a portion of our vast wealth and endow a nonprofit foundation – a charitable foundation – to serve our brothers and sisters, to lessen the suffering of every living creature, to leave the world a slightly better place than we found it.

So many issues. So many problems. So many broken people needing to be fixed. If we were Bill Gates or Carlos Slim, we’d have the kind of money to back an infinite number of projects. Alas, we’re not that smart, and, thus, not that rich. We have to choose.

Here are the leading candidates…

The Candlelight Connection®. We don’t mean to sound overmodest, but, really, it’s a very simple idea: Concerned citizens donate $1 (or more). In return, you get a candle that says “I care about gun violence” on it. At the next candlelight vigil for victims of a gun massacre, you burn the candle, sending a powerful message. Proceeds will go to making more candles, which raises awareness and reduces fossil fuel use.

Food Freedom Foundation®. How many of our civil liberties will we willingly fork over to the federal government before we have none left? We’re in favor of community gardens and bike lanes, so you know we’re progressive like that. But we’re also proud to be an American, which means choosing to eat whatever you damn please in whatever quantity you damn please. Although the FFF would function primarily as a think tank, concerned citizens donate $5 (or more). In return, you get a 32-ounce Thirstmauler™ patriot cup, decorated with the stars and stripes and the phrase “My body. My rules” Proceeds will go toward lobbying at the state level to protect our traditional American foods and drinks against discriminatory attitudes toward sugar, salt, and fat.

The Done Good Project©. In our best moments, aren’t we all generous and kind, compassionate and just? Unfortunately, not every moment is our best. But that doesn’t mean our heart isn’t in the right place. Concerned citizens donate $100 (or more). In return, you get an email that commemorates your contribution and reveals – we call it “the reveal” – what Good Works you’ve selflessly supported. Charity done well by doing good. Proceeds will go to The Candlelight Connection® and the Food Freedom Foundation® as well as to several goat-buying initiatives.