Tagged: andy borowitz

Save the DHS!

Because of another political fracas between competing brands of The Money Party, your child’s life is at risk. And so are you. And so am I, which is why I’m terrified. Not terrorized, since, technically, no act of terror has yet occurred in my neighborhood of Los Angeles. But frightened. You should be, too. If...

American Exceptionalism

Patriots who are experts on the matter, including members of Congress and the corporate oligarchs for whom they toil, believe that all of us who are fortunate enough to live here in the greatest country on Earth benefit from a magical phenomenon known as American Exceptionalism. What this means, according to those who have made a...

Endorsement: Cardinal Roger Mahony for Pope!

The race is on! Now that everyone’s beloved Uncle Joe Ratzinger, also known as “Benedict,” has stepped aside, leaving the Papacy for a comfortable dotage on Vatican property, where he shall remain blissfully shielded from criminal prosecution for the rest of his days, someone (male) will wield the sceptre and wear the mitre! Who will win the title...

Very Short Books

Books are far too long, right? Who has time for 300-pages of blabbering on about nothing? Do you know how many tweets you can read in the amount of time it takes to slog through one stupid novel? A lot. And they’re usually way funnier. And unlike books they’ve got hashtags, like #betterthanactuallyreading. Still, in...

An Open Letter to God

Dear God, Having witnessed recently the horrible ramifications of causing offense, we’re hyper-aware of not offending anyone, You especially. So if “God” is an inappropriate form of address, we humbly ask forgiveness of You and Your agents here on Earth, the ones who steadfastly protect Your name and reputation. We settled on “God,” because that...

To Our Investors

Dear Inverstors in MichaelKonik.com, We’re really sorry about our most recent trading loss. People will say we require more oversight, and, in this case, maybe they’re right. It shouldn’t have happened, and we’ll take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen for a third time. The $4,000 or so ($4,882) of your money that we...

Aphorisms, Epigrams, and Such

The truly wise man aspires to be ignorant. Women who say they prefer chocolate to sex either have bad sex lives or exceptionally great chocolate. Male nipples simultaneously disprove evolution and intelligent design. Marriage is the most reliable curative for hopelessly incurable romantics. People who frequently “need to vent” to friends usually have previously failed to...