The Leak You Weren’t Supposed to Hear About

Comb through Wikileaks carefully enough and you’ll stumble over United States Government documents that make you wonder, “Can this possibly be real?” You realize why the people who run our government want to keep their programs secret: when something is so outlandish that it makes the average citizen think “they’re making this up,” it’s probably easier to just not tell anyone.

Thank you, Edward Snowden! Thank you, Julian Assange!

Don’t worry, reader. You haven’t missed anything yet. You’re not supposed to know about the CIA’s covert machinations. That’s why what I’m about to reveal hasn’t trended on Twitbookgram or become a celebrity cause. But soon — at least until something more interesting comes along, like an adorable cat-playing-the-piano video — everyone is going to be talking about the Termite Squad.

The Termite Squad is an American secret political assassination program, transforming hospice-bound elderly women into suicide bombers. That’s right: They take 100-year-old great-grandmothers, strap them into a weaponized wheelchair, and park the geriatric martyr next to a worthy target.

Healthcare costs are reduced. Patriotism advanced.

No one but the families of our national heroes was supposed to know. But a brave woman named Joan Galt has changed all that. And she’s ready to tell her story.

Assuming this writer does not perish unexpectedly in unusual circumstances: More soon . . .