The National American Way League

Let’s start a business! Who’s in? We can accept up to 31 partners, maybe more if we expand one day.

It will take a few decades, but our venture will eventually be worth nearly $10 billion. How’s that for success? We’ll be rich! And admired and feared and begrudgingly respected. We’ll be winners!

Mostly we’ll be rich.

This kind of money will buy us all kinds of protection from government regulators and opportunistic leeches and anyone else who tries to get in our way. We’ll be lawyered up to the eyeballs.

When we get sued for being a monopoly – which, obviously, we aspire to be – we’ll release the hounds.

When former employees crippled and enfeebled by our workplace environment sue us, we’ll release the hounds – and the P.R. trolls we’ve bought from the tobacco industry.

And no we won’t let any of the little people on whose backs we built our empire boss us around, asking for raises and pension contributions and health plans and any other expensive stuff that might affect our bottom line. In this way we’ll be a positive role model to the rest of corporate America. We’ll lead the way in cutting costs, raising profits, and convincing our customers that this is the best way for the world to be organized.

Who’s still in? Everyone?

What’s that you say? It’s already been done? What I’m describing?

It has?

The NFL?

Oh, right. The NFL.

Man, those cats sure know how to run a cartel, or, if you prefer, a corporate guild, or, if you prefer, a fraternal organization for plantation owners. We should all be so clever. But we’re not. That’s why we slavishly watch their televised choreographed violence no matter how deficient the product might be. We’re not as clever as the owners.

Capitalism isn’t about equal distribution of anything. It’s about rewarding the most worthy among us with the spoils they deserve. And no one deserves more of the spoils than the folks who own and administer NFL teams. They’re the greatest!

The rest of corporate America, many of whom advertise their unhealthy products during NFL broadcasts – care for a speeding car with that frosty beer, sir? – must be grateful for how Uncle NFL has handled the naughty boys in striped shirts, the game officials. Giving in to their outrageous contract demands would have required sacrificing something like .005% of annual revenue. What if other organized labor groups got the dangerous idea in their head that they too were entitled to a larger piece of the pie, seeing that they baked it?

Sure, a game or two got botched, And, yeah, OK, the recent professions of concern for player safety started to sound less like enlightened thinking and more like marketing strategy. But ratings remained strong as ever. Strong ratings = robust advertising sales. Robust advertising sales = gigantic rights deals with the TV networks. Gigantic rights deals = we’re rich, we’re rich!

So, right on, NFL. You’ve made us proud to be Americans. And even prouder that someone’s still willing to stand up for the American Way of doing business.


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