To Our Investors

Dear Inverstors in,

We’re really sorry about our most recent trading loss. People will say we require more oversight, and, in this case, maybe they’re right. It shouldn’t have happened, and we’ll take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen for a third time.

The $4,000 or so ($4,882) of your money that we failed to bring back from our annual company trip to Hollywood Park Racetrack and Casino will in no way whatsoever impact our ability to pay our promised dividend of .1% on all investments. We remain financially stable, with significant capital reserves — thanks to you, our valued shareholders — and enough gains from our other departments that the latest debacle in our Trading Department will not affect our ability to make more trades in the very near future.

No, it’s not the $2 billion that JPMorgan Chase blew on derivitative bets, but still $4,000 or so probably sounds like a lot to you when your entire investment in our company is $100. So, again, we’re really sorry.

Although we’re not legally required to provide a detailed explanation of how we lost your money, we feel that given’s past calls for transparency and honesty from the rich and powerful we ought to ‘fess up. It’s not a pretty picture. But it is what it is, as people say (with alarming regularity).

Basically, our proven system for selecting the winners of thoroughbred horse races by deciphering suggestive anagrams from the horse’s name (Main Wire! = “I’m A Win!er”) did not produce the expected return on investment, in that we realized a significantly lower percentage of successful bets (0%) than anticipated by our computer models. We also learned slightly too late that when wagering on horses gamblers do not win a “show” bet whenever the horse comes out of the stable and runs.

Now, we can understand how investors in a Website filled with boring essays might not want their money to be comingled with funds from the Trading Department. And we can also understand that you might wish for us to not trade in horse racing futures whatsoever. Totally understandable. We’d like to stress, however, that betting on horses is totally legal and, not to be a dick about it or anything, none of you would be complaining much if our can’t-miss $1,000 bet on “Mickep! Mickep!”  hadn’t missed.

With all due respect, it would be entirely inaccurate to say that we were gambling with “other people’s money.” Once you invested it in, it became our money to do with what we felt was best for our shareholders — and what would get us most quickly into that sweet Gulfstream we’ve had our eyes on.

So, now that it’s been all entirely and completely explained to our satisfaction, we offer you once more our apologies for this unforeseen setback. We pledge to make better bets with your precious investments. And if that doesn’t satisfy you, our pal Jamie Dimon will be more than happy to help you.

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