Why Every Man, Woman and Child Needs a Gun

We feel terrible for the children (and parents, and teachers, and everyone else) killed or wounded in the latest mass shooting. We’re not talking about the one at Parkland, in Florida; we mean the four subsequent mass shootings that have happened since, albeit not at schools.

Terrible. Just terrible.

But instead of crying and wailing at the injustice and cruelty of senseless violence, instead of offering “thoughts and prayers,” we’re forming an action plan. Just like our many dear friends who understand the 2nd Amendment is as important as the 1st and 5th and all the others that make America the greatest country on earth, we’re wracking our brain for a solution to “the gun violence problem,” as liberals like to call it. And as far as we can tell, either you take away everyone’s guns — over many dead Confederate-flag draped bodies — or you get radical. You arm every man, woman and child in America.

Not only is this the most convenient way to stop/dissuade/neutralize crazy white men with AR-15s, it preserves the life, liberty and pursuit of happiness that is every (legal) citizen’s birthright. If only the United States military was permitted to own a gun, how could any of us protect our property and children? With pitchforks?

Seriously. How can the little guy fight back when the Big Bully has taken away his guns?

My pro-gun friends have frightened me into learning the truth: access to your very own automatic or semi-automatic rifle, similar to the models used in the mass shootings we all fear, is the only thing standing between freedom and tyranny. Indeed, after the last school slaughter, the President of the National Rifle Association reminded us that “socialists” want to take away American’s handguns and semi-automatic rifles so that citizens wouldn’t be able to defend themselves against an attack by the US government.

Consider these numbers recently published in Harper’s: The United States military employs a total of 1,373,650 active-duty personnel; owns 5,884 combat tanks, 41,062 armored vehicles, 1,934 self-propelled artillery guns, 19 aircraft carriers, 63 destroyers, 70 submarines, 2,296 fighter planes, and 947 attack helicopters. It maintains a stockpile of 6,800 nuclear bombs, including some that are 80 times more powerful than the bomb the US dropped on Hiroshima during World War II. It operates on a budget of about $600 billion, which everyone agrees ought to be increased so the Defense Department can fund Army-themed video games designed to recruit teenagers.

Clearly, this is a fearsome enemy we’re facing. But with enough ammunition, target practice and intestinal fortitude, brave American moms and dads can stand shoulder-to-shoulder with their children and face down the tyrants. We might not win. (Indeed, we’ll probably all die rather quickly). But at least we’ll rest in eternal peace, content that we never let anyone take away our guns.

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